Haynes Explains Football

Get to know football a little better: This bit isn’t hard. Football is everywhere you look. Turn on the TV or walk down the street and within 10 minutes you’ll be an expert on how to solve England’s left-sided problem, whether Club X paid too much for Player Y, and exactly why that was never a penalty, never ever, in the match on Sunday.
Saving you money from start to finish: Support a rubbish club. The tickets will be cheaper and the quality of the football so dire that you will be less inclined to go in the first place. And since you won’t want anyone to know you support them, you won’t need a replica shirt.
Helping you make things go a little further: Your average England player is good at this. When the ball comes to him he intends to trap it, but his close-control is so woeful that the ball squirts 45 metres off his shin. When he takes a penalty, the shot that would have been stopped by the net had it been anywhere near the goal ends up achieving escape velocity and going suborbital.